


one day it will stop

by prikicheesecakeu



Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, Lee Eunsang-centric, Loneliness, M/M, a lot of crying, a lot of self hate and internal feelings, eunsang is lonely and sad, seungseok to the rescue, some vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:48:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28778550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prikicheesecakeu/pseuds/prikicheesecakeu
Summary: He just keeps on falling, falling, falling endlessly and he doesn't know how to stay on his feet anymore.—Eunsang feels alone. (He is alone.)
Relationships: Cha Junho & Lee Eunsang, Cho Seungyeon | Seungyoun & Lee Eunsang, Kim Wooseok | Wooshin & Lee Eunsang, Lee Eunsang & Everyone
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	1. i keep on fallin' (without you)

**Author's Note:**

> a quick preface: to simply put it, i think (and overthink) a lot about how eunsang did solo promotions by himself and would probably be happier he was still in x1 or if he was in a group right now. and i'm a sucker for angst-y emotional feeling fics so i ended up writing this angst blurb that gets super dramatic at some point. (fun fact: i've been thinking about this for literal months so, this has been in the mental makings for a while).
> 
> this is fiction!!! and a majority of this is self-projecting my emotions onto eunsang (im sorry eunsangie~). so just a reminder that i have no idea how he felt during this time and such, so again this is just fiction.

Eunsang twists his ankle when he’s practicing alone in the studio. 

When he does, it’s abrupt and silent; he crashes to the ground without so much of a sound and is back on his feet within seconds. He only tests it tentatively before continuing to power through his practice like it never even happened. He sets the music to the beginning, clears his mind, and starts again. 

Rolling over ankles isn’t unusual to him or anything; in physical education classes, he would roll over it every single run they had. But for whatever reason, this one hurts more. The pain is very clearly telling him to stop but he keeps dancing and turning and doing the moves over and over and over again because he _can’t_ stop, he has to prove… 

He has to prove he’s good enough to be here. 

Is this what his life is now? Falling and falling into an endless void that’s his ever repeating schedule? It feels like there’s no escape (and he doesn’t believe he’ll ever find one in any case).

  
  


_노래하고 싶어 (I just wanna sing, I just wanna sing, I just wanna sing)_

  
  


**—** **_홀로_ ** **—**

  
  


Eunsang feels alone. 

He should rephrase—he is quite physically alone. 

The studio is bathed in that now all-too-familiar teal and red glow from the lights lining the walls. When he crosses in front of them, he casts foggy shadows on the floor, creating this dizzying world he keeps… falling into. 

Falling because he can’t get the steps right and he keeps tripping over his feet every other move he makes. Falling like how his voice keeps crumbling into disjointedness when he forgets the lyrics. Falling like how his expression dampens after photoshoots. Falling like in his dreams and he dreams of the floor cracking beneath him and swallowing him whole. 

(“You already have everything you need to dance,” his teacher once said to him. “Dancing is like walking. And then you add layers of other ideas you already know how to do because you do them every day.”

After that encounter, all Eunsang can think is that if this is true, he can’t walk normally anymore. 

He wants to punch a wall every time he has to redo steps, re-sing lines, restart, restart, and restart again until he’s on the brink of tears. And all that’s left to do is let go— _cry_ , but he won’t. _He won't._ ) 

  
  
  


Tonight, he ignores his buzzing phone again and he does so by leaving the device powered down to black. (He usually turns it off anyway, but there were times like the past few days where he never touched it at all.) It’s left tucked in his bag, probably floating somewhere between his laptop and his English book. 

And he dances and dances and dances because he can’t see the sky outside and it’s always teal paired with red and silver around him and nothing is stopping him from twisting and turning on his feet until he collapses from exhaustion. 

_What happens if I don't stop? What happens then?_ Eunsang thinks. _There isn’t anyone who can help me or stop me or care for me because I’m alone, alone, alone-_

Admittedly, he’s jealous. He’s jealous that his former members (especially the 02 liners, it hurts more when he focuses on them because they’re all the same age) have groups to go home to. That they have these amazing families to care for and be cared by and yet he’s still here, simmering in his own desolation. 

_Self destructive much, Eunsang?_

He spends too much time in the studio. He spends too much time singing the same songs that aren’t even his own. He spends too much time thinking about how his company could have put him with his hyungs if he was never in X1 and he may have been happier now… 

Did he even deserve to debut with X1? Did he even deserve any of what he had now? Did he ever work hard enough for any of this?

But _fuck_ he misses X1—he was happiest then, there’s no denying that. He’d never ever trade the memories he made with his brothers, _his family_. Nor the ones that they’re still making and will make in the future too. 

_God, such a disappointment, Eunsang. Such. A. Disappointment._

The voice in his head is undeniably him; it’s him talking to himself like how he talks to his vlog camera. It’s just unfiltered and enjoys openly taking stabs at his existence. But it’s getting so loud in his ears (the voice— _himself_ ) that he swears it has to be real, it must be-

  
  


He’s on the floor. 

The world is blearily teal (and red). When he takes a good look at himself in the mirror, he’s greeted with bloodshot eyes and a flushed, _pained_ expression. 

The clock says it’s an hour past midnight when he looks. Eunsang is alone (because of course he is. He’s always alone). 

  
  


**—** **_홀로_ ** **—**

  
  


His feet take him somewhere, out of the building into the chilly air, wandering down dark streets endlessly. Again, he continues to ignore his injury, though he finds himself limping every now and then. He jams his hands into his pockets, trying to keep them warm, but it honestly doesn’t do much. He still shivers in his thin sweatshirt. 

With every scratchy breath he takes, he’s reminded that his throat is dry; he hasn’t had any water in quite a long time. Retrospectively, he barely even remembers when he let anything past his lips; his stomach is an empty and hollow indicator, but he’s just not hungry. (He doesn’t know how long he’s been “not hungry” though…) 

On a similar note, he fails to remember what time it is, but he really doesn’t want to turn on his phone again. He’ll make it home okay, right? He doesn’t need to see anyone’s messages to him (if there are any), he can just leave it off. 

At one point, he trips on virtually nothing and he lets his body slam into the ground. _You literally cannot walk anymore, Eunsang get a hold of yourself-_

He’s too tired to care about how much it hurts or how he probably just made his cheek bleed based on how much it stings now or that he's on the ground for the umpteenth time today. Everything is catching up to him and he’s regretting every choice he’s ever made in this exact moment. 

An unexpected tear rolls down his cheek; it’s followed by another and another until he’s full out sobbing and it burns and he feels pathetic, laying on the cold concrete crying his eyes out. But he keeps crying and whimpering into his hands and everything hurts a thousand, a _million_ times more when his mind wanders to his members in their families and their freedom that he doesn’t have nor deserves. 

“Eunsang-ah? Is that you?” 

Face pressed into his hands, he shakes his head, not wanting the voice to be real. _Because it’s not, don’t fall for your early morning deliriums, Eunsang._

“Eunsangie?” 

_It’s not real, it’s not really Wooseok, it’s not your hyung, it’s just your imagination-_

“Are you ok, Eunsangie?” 

_What does it look like. No._

“Eunsangie, can you hear me?”

He’s alone, he’s alone, he’s fucking always alone. He suffocates in his alone-ness. And he won’t believe someone’s there until something proves that they are. 

  
  
  


So when there’s a hand patting at his side, Eunsang doesn’t know what to feel. 

“Eunsangie, we’ve been searching for you… Can you look at me, please?” 

If Eunsang could curl into an even tinier ball, he would because that is unmistakably Seungyoun’s calling out to him. It literally can’t be anyone else and now he suddenly feels embarrassment prickling up his neck from being found.

The older’s tone scares him too; is he mad at him for being out late or for being another _problem_ to chase around until it was fixed? _Understandable, you tend to make problems more than anything else, don’t you? Stop being such a problem._

“We aren’t mad, Eunsangie, we’re just worried-” Definitely Wooseok talking now, though he’s becoming deaf to everything. “You weren’t answering any messages or calls and no one knew where you were…” 

_I doubt that any of them were actually trying to contact you, they’re too busy to care about you-_

"M’fine, sorry for making you worry…” The words tumble out of his lips alongside a wet sniffle. Dragging his sleeve roughly across his eyes, he tries to get back on his feet, hoping to conceal his tears and run as far away from them as he can. (He hasn’t even seen them yet, but he’s not sure he wants to face their disappointment.) 

“Eunsang-” One of them, he can’t tell who, grabs his arm when he tries to walk away.

“I’m fine,” his voice cracks as he twists out of the grip. He takes a step. “I’m fine-”

He sprained his ankle. And then kept dancing on it. And walking on it. _Oh, right, shit still hurts._

Eunsang’s knees buckle and he’s headed for the ground again he knows it. His eyes instinctively close as he mentally prepares himself for impact but instead he feels himself being caught in a sturdy frame. His body ragdolls the second he feels arms wrapping around him, suddenly too exhausted to do anything else except stay conscious and keep his sobs down. 

Seungyoun pulls Eunsang into his embrace as they sink to the floor, cradling him in his lap. 

“It’s ok, you’re gonna be ok, we’re here.” He reassures him under his breath while running his fingers through the boy’s disheveled hair. Eunsang doesn’t say anything nor does he open his eyes; maybe keeping himself blind to their searching gazes would stop him from caving even more than he already has _._ He senses Wooseok crouching down next to them, rubbing his shoulder gently. 

When Seungyoun pulls back to look at him, he brushes the red raw skin on his cheek. 

“Did you fall, Sangie?” he asks, his voice a bit higher like he was talking to a child. Eunsang feels eyes sting with more tears beneath his lids as he gives the tiniest of nods. “Aw, it’s ok baby, we’ll patch you up, you’ll be ok.”

_(He keeps falling and he wants to stop.)_

“Eunsangie-” He perks slightly at his name and he hears Wooseok take in a breath before continuing.

“You don’t have to be alone anymore.” 

And when Eunsang finally, _finally_ meets his hyung's eyes, the last barrier holding himself together shatters; the tears cascade down his cheeks and he weeps. 

  
  


**—** **_홀로_ ** **—**

  
  


Seungyoun is warm and for the first time in a long time, Eunsang doesn’t feel so lonely. (And there’s something incredibly comforting about being cradled.)

If he’s being honest, he’s still crying more than he’d like to admit, like a lot (and a lot more than he’s done in the past year, god this is a full mental breakdown). Seungyoun doesn’t stop rocking him back and forth as he buries his face in the older’s jacket and Wooseok never leaves his side. 

(The comforting lines his hyungs keep telling him fly over his head and it’s not that he’s ignoring them, he just already knows it’s not really ok and he’s not ok either.)

When he calms down to a hiccup, Wooseok tells him it’s around three in the morning which means he’s been wandering around or crying for at least two whole hours. _You could have been sleeping._

“I wanna sleep…” Eunsang mumbles, though it’s so quiet that Wooseok asks him to repeat himself. 

After he does, the older pats his head gently. “Ok, let’s get you home then.”

“I can go by myself-”

“Let us take you at least.” He hears the _'_ _We don’t want to leave you alone-'_ on the tip of Seungyoun’s tongue, but he doesn’t say anything in response because it’s all in his head. 

“Eunsangie, do you think you can walk?”

He remembers nodding and then nothing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my excessive notes i usually put will be at the end of the second part :D  
> thanks for reading and i'll post the next part soon!
> 
> ~prikicheesecakeu


	2. stay here

It’s hard to admit when you feel alone, Eunsang learns (and unfortunately he’s reminded of how difficult it is when he’s sitting in Wooseok’s living room facing both the house’s owner and Seungyoun). 

Just an hour earlier, Eunsang had woken up to the sound of sizzling eggs and his hyungs chattering under their breaths, feeling more warm and _comfortable_ than he had in awhile. It had seemed so much like a morning at the old dorm that he swore it was autumn again. 

Something plastic-y was pressing into his tender cheek and using the pads of his fingers, felt a bandaid not quite covering all of the already scabbing skin. 

It reminded him of the concrete—Eunsang thought he wouldn’t have to say anything about the previous night’s events at all until he realized he wasn’t in _his_ home. He was in Wooseok’s. 

_Fuck._

His cracked phone was charging on the coffee table and when he tapped at the home button, it displayed a multitude of missing calls and messages from people ranging from his mother to Sihun to Seungwoo and Yohan. All the texts said the same thing, just phrased in different ways. Each one bleed a sense of worry and with each one he read, he felt more nauseous. 

He had to stop listening to the voicemail from Hangyul the second he heard the older say, _“Eunsangie_. _”_

  
  


Which brings him to now. 

Seungyoun presses a mug of hot tea into his hands before taking his place next to Wooseok, locking the three of them into colloquy. Eunsang himself sinks into the couch as his hyungs sit across from him on mismatched desk chairs. 

Honestly, he wants the cushions to swallow him whole so he never has to have this conversation with them (he doesn’t need to add his own problems to their problems). But he’s here now and there’s nothing he can do about it now… right?

“Eunsang-ah…” 

He perks up as Wooseok clears his throat. “How have you been?” 

It’s unexpected to say the least; Eunsang feels a gentle aura around them the moment he asks and he feels a little bit… safer. 

“Uhm…” he pauses, unsure what to say. “I’ve been… better.”

“Ah… sorry to hear that, Sangie.” Seungyoun says with such sincerity that Eunsang nearly lets his guard down. “So… it’s been quite a while since we’ve seen you.”

“Yeah… I guess.” 

“Have you been practicing a lot?”

“Just some covers… you know.” Eunsang answers before trying to change the subject, “Anyways, uh, how are you guys?” 

“We’re doing good,” Seungyoun gently elbows Wooseok in the arm. “Aren’t we?”

“Yes, we are-” he eyeballs him before turning his attention back to Eunsang. 

“Well…” Wooseok takes a breath before he speaks again. “Do you wanna talk about… it? About anything from… last night?” 

“Um, not really…” he says honestly, fingers reaching to scratch at his nape. “I’m ok. Really. You guys don’t need to worry about me.”

“Are you sure-”

“Sangie, you clearly didn’t seem ok last night.” Seungyoun cuts Wooseok off; the latter glares at him for no longer than a second before redirecting his attention to Eunsang. “You literally passed out.”

Shock passes through Eunsang’s mind, though the realization of the obvious hits him a second later. 

“I… yeah…” he murmurs under his breath. “I did, didn't I?”

Wooseok nods curtly. “Yep. You did.”

“Well, I’m… I’m sorry you had to get me all the way here, you guys didn't need to-”

“No, no, you don’t need to apologize,” Seungyoun stops him. “We just want to make sure you’re safe… Have you been overworking yourself, Eunsangie?”

He thinks for a minute, knowing the actual answer but filtering out the lies to keep the truth to himself. 

“No, I’m not.” Eunsang bets he sounds defensive. “I promise I’m not, I just get… carried away sometimes.”

“Sometimes?”

“Yeah, sometimes. Like rarely.”

Just when he thinks he’s gotten away with it—Seungyoun’s expression softens and it looks like he’s going to start a new subject—Wooseok drops the bomb. 

“Eunsang, we know you’re lying.” 

There’s a dropping feeling in his gut; the hairs on his neck stand on end as a rush of nervousness falls onto his consciousness. _No…_

“What-” He swallows the lump in his throat before clearing it. “I’m not-” 

“Eunsang, it’s ok to not be fine, you know.” Seungyoun reaches forward to place his hands on his. “And you don’t have to lie and tell us you're ok; it’s human to feel… sad. Or alone.”

“I know. I- I mean, I’m better now. Like really, I feel better.”

Wooseok crosses his arms. “Really?”

“Yeah.”

“What was last night then?” he snaps at him; Eunsang shrinks into his seat. “You weren’t picking up any calls and we found you crying on the sidewalk at three in the morning. And why are you so unsure?” 

_You know he’s just going to keep asking, Eunsang._

“Because… I- I…” Eunsang finds himself picking at his fingers nervously, nails tearing at skin while searching for an answer (a lie). 

“Because you… what? You’re avoiding every question-”

“Because I don’t know!” He blurts aloud, simultaneously ripping a hangnail off. “Because I don’t know what I feel or even how I feel and I just… I don’t want to keep _hurting_ …”

“What do you mean by hurting?” Seungyoun asks, eyebrows raised slightly. 

“Like-” _You_ _slipped, idiot, you slipped._ “Like… like it- nevermind.”

“No, tell us, Eunsang.”

“Uh no, I don’t want… I don’t know, forget what I said, please…”

Wooseok considers him for a moment and Eunsang feels himself shrinking under his gaze. His own eyes fall onto the now lukewarm tea in his lap from which he doubts he’ll drink from. The loose leaves are collecting in the bottom of the mug, remaining suspended in the infused water. 

“Eunsang,” Wooseok sighs for what feels like the umpteenth time. “I’m not gonna twist your arm to figure out what’s going on with you…”

When he looks up from his mug, Eunsang catches the two exchange weary glances.

“And I don’t want to be pushy.” Wooseok says and he can hear the reluctance in his voice. “But we want to make sure you’re alright.” 

He nods again and again because he doesn’t have anything to add. 

“Don’t be too hard on yourself.” Eunsang fails to meet Wooseok’s eyes. 

“Yeah… I won’t be.”

**—** **_한숨_ ** **—**

  
  


“Would it help if you hung out with Dohyonie? Any of the 02 liners?” 

Eunsang blinks at Seungyoun’s suggestion when he asks later, not exactly taking in his words at first. 

_Dohyonie… Minhee… Dongpyo… Hyeongjun… Junho…_

“Eunsang? Uh, can you hear me? Do you need me to say it again or…?”

“Yeah, sorry, I heard you-” he stumbles over his words. “It’s just… they’re all busy though, aren’t they…?” 

_Busy with their favorite hyungs and dongsaengs,_ his mind finishes for him. _They’re busy promoting and preparing for debuts and fan meetings and obviously don't have the time to be with you-_

“I’m sure they miss you and would love to see you even if they are.” Seungyoun breaks his train of thought. (Secretly, Eunsang breathes a sigh of relief; he’s worried his thoughts may have manifested into actual vocal words.)

“It’s been a long time since you actually saw any of them in person, right?”

He nods. It’s been months—it’s probably been since their disbandment. _Can’t even keep up with your friends by yourself._

“Ok then, let’s get you guys together.” 

Eunsang and Seungyoun stay at Wooseok’s for a few more hours after that (Wooseok insists on them hanging around for a while at the very least) and so they do. 

He feels like he’s walking on clouds when he enters his own home.

  
  


**—** **_한숨_ ** **—**

  
  


They go a month without seeing each other after that; actually, Eunsang doesn’t see anyone else for that matter, which basically just equates to him just being alone again. 

Maybe he’s waiting for something to happen (and something most definitely will, because that’s life) but he’s here for now. Sitting in anticipation. Sitting alone. 

He sings, he dances, he poses, he vlogs, he practices for a future that remains unknown to him. (He let's his ankle heal. Barely.)

That crushing loneliness comes in uncontrollable waves that he allows to wash over him, only because he feels that way for an hour at most. But when they crash onto him, they hit him like how the ocean strikes the unsuspecting observer when their back is turned; it takes his breath away, tossing and turning him around in a dark void of a headspace until he’s suffocating. 

It seems ok for those first few weeks when he lets it happen (it’s harmless after all, right? Just keep it to yourself and for yourself). But as it’s gotten worse and worse, he’s found it harder to not let himself be taken by the waves every week, every day. 

Funnily enough, his company makes him, _forces him_ even, take a break for a week (must have seen him stumbling into the walls or shoving himself into a corner with his eyes shut tight). All the break does in the end is leave him to maul over his thoughts at home. 

Eunsang hates this, being carried around in the ever growing tornado that keeps whipping him off his feet. It happened in the winter when they didn’t know if they would be a group anymore and it’s happening again now. 

(Will it ever stop?)

And then the day comes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the fun fact is that this became a 3 parter, so the explanations will be then. i have most of part three written though, so expect the update soon!
> 
> thank you for reading and happy reading too!  
> ~prikicheesecakeu


	3. (just go) carry on

Wooseok lets the former maknae line members invade his house and to the older’s dismay, it only takes the teenagers about 30 minutes to trash it. (But really, the most shocking part was Woollim _and_ Starship let the three 02 liners leave. Dongpyo, on the other hand, quite literally snuck out of his company’s basement and Pocketdolz let Dohyon to go out with ease.) 

Once everyone is ushered into Wooseok’s living room, the owner announces his leave. 

“I’m leaving you~” Wooseok sings as he saunters out the door. Break anything and I’ll have your heads on wooden stakes-”

Dohyon’s eyes widen comically at his words, and Eunsang cracks a grin as the other 02 liners burst into laughter at the maknae’s expression. Hyeongjun very nearly jumps onto Dohyon to fool around with him and Wooseok screams at them to not screw around.

Wooseok gives Eunsang the side-eye before stepping out, and he swears the elder is telling him to keep together or something like that. He acknowledges the gesture with a tiny nod. 

The second the door slams shut on Wooseok’s heels though, there’s a loud crashing sound as the youngest two half-tickle-half-wrestle into a lamp. 

**_CRASH!_ **

“And this is how we all die-” Junho facepalms as they scramble around the shattered lightbulb, Dohyon clearly panicking the most out of everyone. Eunsang cracks a smile at the comment, holding back a chuckle. 

He hears Dongpyo tell Junho, “It’s ok, we’ll get speared together at least.”

“Goddammit, Wooseok-hyung’s never gonna take me out for chicken feet again-”

“Aish, shut up and help us already, Mini!” Hyeongjun wacks Minhee in the leg, trying to get his attention. 

“Jeez, it’s just one lightbulb and _you guys_ broke it-”

“Hey-”

Eunsang already finds himself unable to stop grinning. 

**_— 같이 —_ **

  
  


It takes about 20 minutes for them to agree on actually cleaning up the mess of the broken lamp and the fallen stack of Wooseok’s… stuff (because they ran into more than just the lamp-) and once they do, they set up the television to play video games. 

Or something like that, it’s all sort of a blur to Eunsang because when they are in the midst of the preparation and the game, he can’t stop laughing and smiling at every funny joke and betrayal and win with his friends. And oh god he missed them. (And he still misses them even though they’re right here.)

“Eunsangie, you gotta stop losing every game you play!” Minhee smacks his back with the flat of his hand and Eunsang jolts probably more than he expected to. 

“Aish, I’m trying my best, Mini!” he says defensively; he notices how Minhee looks taken aback at his reaction to the hit. “If you wanna see me stop losing, you should have me play against Junho-”

“Nah,” Junho scoffs. “Plus you know I’m a goddamn _king_ at this game and would beat all of you in a heartbeat.”

“Fight me-” Minhee growls at the older and Eunsang feels his smile widening as he coos at his expression. 

“With pleasure-” 

_You’re having too much fun, Eunsang._

Something heavy drops in his gut—it’s like guilt, and it hits like a boulder. That familiar suffocating feeling suddenly is wrapping around his chest; telling him, reminding him, that he shouldn’t be here. He should be practicing or singing or being productive or _something_. 

_Well, yeah,_ he thinks to himself. _Confrontation doesn’t work like magic._

He’s reminded that he’s just as self-destructive as he was a month earlier.

_Your wave._ Why can’t he stop it this time?

When Eunsang hands his controller to Junho so he can play against Minhee, Dongpyo turns to him, innocently resting his chin on his clasped hands. 

“Truth or dare?” His eyes sparkle for no more than a second (and Eunsang fears he may know too much). 

“I didn’t know we were playing??” 

“We are now-” 

“Uhm, alright then…?”

“Are you ok?” 

He’s honestly not superbly surprised Dongpyo asks that. “Yeah, I’m good.”

“Are you really?” Eunsang senses Hyeongjun perking up next to him, tuning into their conversation while remaining focused on the TV screen. Dohyon’s definitely not paying attention; he’s too busy hyping Minhee by jumping all over the older. 

“I’m _fine_ ,” Eunsang answers almost a little too fast; Hyeongjun very clearly shoots Dongpyo an uneasy glance. “Seriously, I’m-”

The screen flashes suddenly, announcing Junho as the winner of the game. Dohyon screeches loudly, shaking Minhee by the shoulders. 

“AAHH!!!” he collapses in defeat, throwing down the remote onto the carpet. “JUNHO-YAH-”

“Honorifics, Kang Minhee!” the eldest stands proudly, hovering over the loser. 

  
“So Junho-hyung is the best at this game…” Hyeongjun gets to his feet to jokingly bow to the victor. “I am at your service, sir Junho-”

“JUNHO HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!”

“I’m gonna use the bathroom, excuse me,” Eunsang says quietly and it gets lost in the chaos of screaming and lanky limbs flying about as the rest crowd around. He sidesteps them before he slips into the small restroom and locks the door. His hands shake, slowly becoming less and less controllable. 

_You’ve been alone too long._

The wave is here. The tsunami is crashing, right here and right now. He sees the foaming white crescents as the crashing sea peaks and tumbles down on him. And he can’t stop it. It’s going to swallow him and then he’ll just be falling all over again. 

  
  


(He doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve even knowing Minhee, Dongpyo, Junho, Hyeongjun or Dohyon and they sure as hell could just exist without him, right?)

_You need to be working, not hanging out with your buddies, they don’t care for you anyways-_

“Fuck.” He leans against the locked door, the guilt, the thoughts whipping around him. His eyes fall shut to stop the sudden onslaught of tears he doesn’t want to let out. 

  
  


_Stop crying, stop crying, stop crying, stop you fucking pussy, stop crying-_

  
  


“Eunsang? Are you ok in there? You’ve been there for, like, ten minutes-” 

“Yeah, I’m ok.” Eunsang says when he hears Dongpyo’s voice at the door. His voice stays surprisingly steady. 

“Alrighty then…” He can hear the unsureness in his tone, the same unsureness he expressed earlier. “Just tell us if you need anything.” 

“Uh-huh…” 

He feels sick. He feels disgusting. He feels like a disappointment. He just needs to stop crying and feeling alone (and falling) and just be _normal_ for god's sake. If anything, he has to accept _this_ is the new normal.

_Normal. Your new normal, Eunsang, your new normal. A new normal where you keep practicing to be better._

His stomach churns uncomfortably at the thought; he slides down the wall, hands barely catching him in his sudden drop to the ground. 

_Be cuter, be funnier, be prettier, be thinner, be happier, be better, be better, be better,_ **_be better, be a better Eunsang, BE FUCKING BETTER-_ **

The mantra repeats until it feels like his head is about to explode; Eunsang doesn’t know if he wants it to stop (because it’s true) but he jams his palms over his ears, body curling into itself. His gut feels like it’s being stabbed with a million needles-

“Why is it so bad now?” he asks the air, the wave, the crashing waves. The tile is chilling on his cheek, but his mind burns and shatters in the endless struggle to… 

**_BEBETTERBEBETTERBEBETTERBEBETTERBEBETTERBEBETTERBEBETTERBEBETTERBETTERBETTERBETTERBEBETTERBEBETTERBEBETTERBEBETTERBEBETTERBETTERBEBETTERBETTERBETTERBETTERBETTERBEBETTERBETTERBETTERBEBETTER_ **

“Be better, be better, be better-” It’s spewing out of his mouth, the string of a phrase that he wants to be, that he strives for, to be better but not perfect but better, to be: _“better, be better-”_

“Eunsang! Can you hear us?” 

_Minhee would want me to be better._

“Hyung, open the door! Please!!” 

_So would Dohyon, he looks up to you, doesn’t he?_

“Eunsang-hyung, please let us in!” 

_Hyeongjun… no, I’m not letting you in-_

“Open this door, Eunsang, you need open this door right now!” 

_If only Dongpyo could understand why it all fucking hurts so much-_

  
  


(He is alone.)

  
  


_I’m gonna be sick-_

As the yelling and pounding at the bathroom door swirls around the rest of his thoughts in ever increasing volumes, Eunsang crawls on the cold tile to the toilet where he forcefully empties his stomach of everything he can. He doesn’t even need to stick anything down his throat—he just vomits and then flushes and keeps retching until his stomach cramps and all that’s coming up is bile. 

He’s never done this before, but he has to cleanse himself, start over, start today over at least because he’s already fucked it up a million times. 

“Eunsang-ah…” When he hears Junho's calm voice calling to him, he halts abruptly, pursing his lips tight to stop himself from releasing more sick into the toilet. 

“It’s gonna be ok, Eunsangie, you’re gonna be alright. It’s gonna be ok.” 

“Junho-” He wheezes into the bowl but nothing else comes out; his fingers grip so tightly on the rim that they ache like how his face aches. He doesn’t know why it’s Junho that comforts him (maybe it was their time together on the show or their time in the group) but he does. His voice pulls his head back onto his shoulders, pulls him back to reality, back to Wooseok’s poor apartment at the mercy of six teenagers, back to the bathroom where his friends are waiting outside. 

(The sea calms. He’s not falling anymore. Junho pulls him from the edge of the cliff.)

“Eunsangie?” Junho asks through the door. “Eunsang-ah, listen to me, please.”

A strangled noise emits from his throat when he tries to acknowledge his request. 

“It’s ok to not be ok right now, don’t worry. I get the feeling…” Junho pauses for no longer than a moment before continuing. “If you don’t want to come out now, that’s fine… Just know we’re here for you when you need us. And it’s ok to ask for help. You don’t need to face your problems alone.”

After nodding, Eunsang realizes there’s a door blocking them from seeing each other. He doesn’t want to wait to face them, but he realizes they need to know he’s fine right now, at least. 

“Give me a minute, please…” His voice is hoarse when he speaks, probably from the stomach acid rising up and down his throat. He lets out a feeble cough before getting to his feet, using the counter to assist himself off the tile. 

Eunsang looks at himself when he steps up to the mirror—he’s crying or he was crying, he can’t tell—there’s a mix of wet and dry tracks down his cheeks and at the sight of them, he feels so weak again. Flicking a faucet on and watching the water run down the drain (it falls endlessly until he decides to turn it off), he cups his palms under the stream to rinse his face of salt and his mouth of his sick. 

When he’s finished, he tries to take a breath before twisting the handle. 

_You’re fine. It was just… a mood swing if anything. You’re ok. Tell Junho-hyung you’re ok._

“I’m opening the door.” he whispers, having a feeling there’s someone leaning up against it. His assumption is proved to be right when he hears the scurrying of socked feet outside. 

“Eunsang-ah…” Junho is by himself when he swings it open, and if he didn’t know any better, he would have assumed the eldest had shooed the others back into the living room. 

“Hey.”

“Hi…” Eunsang says hoarsely. His body refuses to make eye contact with him. 

“You ok?”

“More or less…” 

Whatever Eunsang had prepared to tell him earlier goes out the window; the lies, the truth, all of it dissolves on his tongue. They don’t move or say anything until Junho sighs, “C’mere-”

Junho pulls him into a hug by the arm, pressing their bodies together in a tight, one-sided embrace because Eunsang doesn’t reciprocate it at first. 

Eventually he lets his head fall into the crook of Junho’s neck; the older rubs his back gently when he surrenders. 

“It’s ok, Sangie, it’s ok…” 

He does cry again when he says this, the tears stinging behind his lids before leaking out and absorbing into the soft fabric that is Junho’s shirt. 

The salty ocean-like fragrance that Junho carries with him comforts Eunsang like how he finds comfort in the smell of cotton. He inhales the boy’s scent, trying to calm himself down and stop any more tears from soaking into Junho’s sweater. (He’s the sea that calms him, Junho’s sea isn’t like the loneliness.) 

“Can we watch something?” Eunsang mumbles into his neck. “Like a show or a movie or something…?”

“Sure, anything you want.” 

“Ok… thank you.” 

“No problem, Sang, no problem at all.” 

  
  


Junho leads him by the pinky to the couch (the same couch he had sat in a month ago when he had that intervention with Wooseok and Seungyoun). The four other teenagers make way for them when they enter, opening a spot on the cushions for them to sit. 

Hyeongjun plops next to him when he takes a seat, the younger snaking his arms around his waist. Eunsang has noticed how he’s gotten more clingy since they lived together… not that he minds (on the contrary, he longs for it, though he’d never admit that).

“Eunsangie, you know we’re here for you right? No matter what.” 

He just nods at Hyeongjun’s words. “I know…” 

“But I don't think you do…” Dongpyo says, sitting at his feet. He takes Eunsang’s hands in his, patting them lightly. “We’re all just a call away… Literally just text us and we’ll sneak out of our company's basements to make sure you’re ok.” 

Eunsang chuckles slightly at that, and the room seems to brighten as the rest of the group smiles along with him. 

A hand ruffles his hair; when he turns, Minhee gives him a warm smile before pinching his cheek. “And hey, you’ll always be _my_ counseling center. And hopefully, we’ll always be yours.” Eunsang is reminded of the first radio episode they recorded as X1. 

_(We'll be your counselors._

_Problem Solvers!_

_Whatever you say, we'll solve all your problems._

_Problem Solvers!)_

Dohyon doesn’t need to say anything; Eunsang knows what his former roommate is telling him from the look they share; it lasts no longer than a second before his gaze drops to his lap again. 

There’s a significant amount of movement that he can sense but that remains out of his vision until he finds Junho’s kneeling in front of him in place of Dongpyo. 

“You’re not alone anymore, Eunsang.” Junho says under his breath, almost as if it was only for him. “I swear to god, we won’t let you be alone. And we’re not going anywhere. We’ll always be here for you.” His fingers slip under his chin, bringing his gaze up, up, up, and it’s when Eunsang focuses on the older’s eyes that finds his voice again. 

“Ok… Ok.” Still shaky, he catches the hand on his face with his own. 

There’s a few moments of stillness as they sit huddled together; meanwhile the atmosphere thaws from the tense air to a comforting ambiance, melting away with Eunsang’s loneliness. Soon, they all start to shift positions simultaneously.

Hyeongjun snuggles up further into his side while Minhee sits on his left, hair tickling Eunsang’s neck when the older places his head on his shoulder. Dongpyo leans up against his legs as Junho sits next to Hyeongjun; Dohyon leans over the cuddling pile to pat Eunsang on the head before moving to set up a movie. 

_One day it will stop. One day it will stop._

One day he will stop falling. One day there won’t be any waves. It’s not going to stop today. That’s stupid. But _one day_ , it will. And on that blessed day, Eunsang hopes he’s happy. 

Junho’s hand somehow snakes its way through the tight-knit cuddling to link with his own; he squeeze their clasped fingers gently and Eunsang knows he’s wordlessly reassuring him that _everything will be ok._ And everything _will_ be ok. Because he has them. He has his family. 

  
  


Eunsang squeezes back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! you’ve made it through this angst show that is my writing! thank you for maybe sticking to it!
> 
> i always do these super overdone notes, so here they are:  
> 1) i had 4 song inspirations for this fic!  
> \- _[HOLO](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VdeK_VsG9U0)_ by Lee Hi; it's definitely the most prominent and over encapsulating song across the story, i feel like the whole _“alone or together, loneliness feels the same”_ was a concept that matched the theme of the story, especially in part 3  
> \- _[Star (별)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0v9sQXUl1Y)_ by Cravity; this song is here because the line _“i keep on fallin’, fallin’ without you”_ wouldn’t stop repeating in my head, also the more cheery-mellow song makes for a nice contrast to all the angst  
> \- _[있어줘 Stay Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GHvBqysNHg)_ by Gaho; a beautiful song that really just gives me all the feels. formerly, part 2 and 3 were one part and fell under the title stay here which felt appropriate, the desperation for someone to stay and help but also having highly contradictory thoughts that both intentionally and unintentionally want to be alone  
> \- _[Carry On](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8o21T2OazA) _by Victon's Seungsik; i just really love how this song flows, the lyrics are beautiful and hopeful; it's a more broad way of showing eunsang’s first step forward to a happier future__
> 
> 2) a lot of the first part was inspired by Eunsang’s _[I Just Wanna Sing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKD4g1e3aME)_ music video (which has clear references to eunsang practicing for the señorita dance). so this fic is probably somewhere during señorita and beautiful scar promotions
> 
> 3) i originally had just Wooseok coming to find him, but then i was like, nah let’s do Seungyoun and Wooseok (who i both think have more of the ability to freely go out, like i doubt 02z would be allowed to just leave at 2am to look for a friend or something). this change of having the two together i feel really benefitted this more because the two sort of balance being direct and being lovingly caring
> 
> 4) cheek scars: if you didn’t catch it, Eunsang basically scrapes up his cheek a bit, and i was like BEAUTIFUL SCAR CONCEPT?? SUCH A BEAUTIFUL SCAR~
> 
> 5) i felt if i had the rest of the members physically present in the fic (Seungwoo, Yohan, Hangyul) it would have made one too many forced interactions (especially as eunsang clearly doesn't want to talk about it) so I simply mentioned them in part two
> 
> 6) Wooseok’s apartment/home is the one in [Wooseok's Unboxing Season 1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4liDU2QnvgU)
> 
> 7) i miss my maknae line so much, this was just me self indulging and missing seeing Junho, Dongpyo, Minhee, Eunsang, Hyeongjun, and Dohyon together
> 
> 8) this low-key became junsang; i thought junho would be the best at comforting eunsang, simply because of their closeness in the past (additionally, both Seungwoo and Junho were with Eunsang when he was having a hard time before their debut in X1)
> 
> 9) i asked my besties what Junho would like use perfume wise, and one just said deodorant and i was like “THIS IS A FIC I CANT JUST SAY DEODORANT” so then someone said sea salt so yeah
> 
> 10) “counseling center:” in reference to [X1 Radio](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgQDuT6WhPs) where 02z call themselves "Problem Solvers" and sing a theme song to the _Like Always_ instrumental
> 
> 11) All of the relationships are supposed to be platonic, but it's up to you're interpretation :D
> 
> 12) I also use 홀로 (alone), 한숨 (breathe), and 같이 (together) for the transition things, which are references to Lee Hi songs
> 
> anyways, again thank you so much for reading my random stories that just comes out of my brain oof
> 
> i have a sequel coming soonish so stay tuned for that!! happy reading :)  
> ~prikicheesecakeu


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